Turning 26
I am sitting alone on my bed in my hotel room, looking out the window, watching the sunset over the snow capped mountains in Salt Lake City in Utah. Sitting here alone on my 26th birthday with smile on my face and warmth in my heart because I know for the first time ever in my life that I am exactly where I need to be, doing what I am doing and being the woman that my younger self was hoping for. 12 months ago I wrote this letter to myself. In it I wrote a passage of hope, which said :
“I hope that the year as 25 teaches you to slow down. To spend more time in the moment and appreciate what is good about it. To not need to rush through everything and know that you have plenty of time to grow, evolve and develop. I hope that you learn to believe in yourself more. I hope that you fall more in love with yourself and know that you are perfect just the way you are. That what people think is your biggest weakness is actually your biggest strength and to stop thinking everything people bring to your immediate attention about yourself is a bad thing. I want you to look at the infinite abundance that is available to you, every single day. I hope that you save more money so you are more financially stable. I hope that you burn that image of success out of you mind and draw a new one in your heart. I hope for more acceptance and patience with yourself. I hope for you to spend more time in silence and watching the world. I hope that you develop your voice. I hope that you write more. I hope that you cook more. I hope that you catch more sunrises and sunsets. I hope that you laugh everyday. I hope that you go on new adventures. I hope you learn to know you worthy of the very best. I hope that you rewrite your life to be a more truer image and reflection of your magnificent, wonderful self.”
That letter, which I wrote a year ago on my birthday hoping for change. Hoping that I would finally have the courage and drive to change a life that I was not aligned with. Sitting here, I can confidently say that the majority of those hopes have come true. I have done and been all those things my younger self was dreaming of. What I find most beautiful about this, is that all these things are not material. They are intangible. I don’t have things I can show you. But what do I have is a feeling. This feeling of contentment of the woman I am and how much hard work and fighting for myself that I have been through to get to this point within myself.
It was not an easy road by any measure. It still a road that I am travelling down. Coming to terms (and I still am) that I am the biggest try hard that I know. Every single thing I do, I put thought, effort and detail into. I used to kill myself and be constantly disappointed for being this type of person. But today I’ve decided to be very fucking proud that I am this person. I am the person who watches, listens, feels and sees what is going on very intently. If I decide that I am going to do something then I am all in and will be there 110% with passion and energy for whatever it is. I have worked damn hard to arrive at this place where I know in my heart that who I am being is authentic. The work I am doing in the world is right and enough for me right now in this moment. I have stopped wishing for the next thing and I have slowed down. Let go of the expectation of an outcome and allow what will be, will be.
Instead of running away from turning a certain age and feeling like a failure. I am choosing to welcome it with an open heart, trusting that the universe will deliver me exactly what I need because I made the daily conscious choice to do me and be me, unapologetically.
P.S. I could not sit here and be the woman I am without the help of two important mentors in my life. Peter Shaw and Amanda Fisher. I will forever be grateful for the amazing work that you do in the world and helping me, find me.
